How many people do you estimate, so far on the tour this year, that you’ve actually had to cold cock?

J: That I’ve actually slugged?

 

B: Oh man.  Uh-oh.

 

Individually and as a band.

B: This last tour was the slugfest tour.  There was a lot of brawlin’.

 

J: We were rockin’ and sockin’ the nation.  I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it will incriminate me.

 

You guys were on the Warped tour, and the Warped tour does have a lot of fourteen-year-old guys.  Now, you…

B: And I’ve made out with a few of ‘em.

 

You HAVE made out with a few of ‘em?  That was my question.

B: No, they were older than fourteen.

 

Fifteen?

J: We could get arrested.

 

B: Yeah..they were, like…they were eighteen I’d say.

 

Is it just fun to watch little fourteen and fifteen year old punks coming up and ogling you?

B: Oh yeah, they’re so cute.

 

J: They’re very sweet.  All the kids at the Warped tour are very sweet.

 

B: They were good kids.

 

J: They were good boys.

 

So, no socking on the Warped tour?  Just all the other tours?

B: No, there was no socking on the Warped tour.

 

J: I socked one in the food tent.

 

B: Oh yeah, that’s right.

 

What happened?

J:  This guy came into the food tent and he wasn’t in any of the bands but he was in the all access area.  He tried to sit on top of me and I told him not to but he tried to anyway so I socked him and then he was like, “Why’d you do that for?”  “Well, you know, I don’t want your drunk ass sitting on me.”  But that was the only violence on the tour.  The Warped tour was very good.

 

B: I did a lot of making out on the Warped tour.

 

Really?  Everybody’s gotta know the gossip.  I mean, anybody worth noting?

J: This is my famous quote, “What goes on the road stays on the road.”

 

That’s a good quote.

B: I have a date with Rikki Rocket tomorrow night from Poison.

 

Really?  How did that come about?

B: In Cincinnati he sent his personal assistant to our show to come check us out and buy all our swag.  Then he started e-mailing me and then he called me and now we’re going out on a date tomorrow.

 

Wow.  So you lucked out that their tour kinda got postponed because otherwise the date might not have happened?

B: Yeah, well he was gonna actually fly me to a Poison show.  Any show of my choice, but I actually am much happier that it worked out this way.  Sorry, Bobby Doll.  Sorry about your neck.

 

Have you guys actually heard the new Poison album?

B: No.

 

J: No.

 

They released the single and I’ve heard the single.

B: Yeah, you heard it?

 

Well, I don’t want to jeopardize your date.

B: Uh-oh.  Is it really bad?

 

J: This will be off the record.

 

Well, let’s state for the record that Betty Blowtorch are not commenting on the new Poison record.  That’s it.  I’m basically saying that they wanna envision that they are still able to play in front of forty thousand people and that they’re selling millions of records.  That’s the impression that the song gives, except it’s a brand new song.

B: Right.

 

J: Well, y’know.  It happens.  Gotcha.

 

B: Those old men, they just can’t, y’know, let go.

 

J: This’ll come out after your date.  It won’t matter.  By then…

 

B: He’s actually really sweet and really funny and really smart.  He has a comic book company.

 

Really?

B: Yeah.  He’s actually really interesting.  He’s also a photographer.

 

Have you thought of doing side ventures?  I mean, if you were able to have an infinite amount of money from the residuals from “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”, what side venture would you do?

J: That’s interesting.   I would open a Rock ‘n Roll coffee house.

 

A Rock ‘n Roll coffee house.  What would it be called?

B: Crank It Up.  I don’t know.

 

J: Liquid Crack.  That’s what it would be called.

 

B: There you go.

 

Liquid Crack would be good.

J: I would have a Rock ‘N Roll Sleep Away Camp.  Bad ass, I’m tellin’ you.

 

That would be rockin’.

J: You send the kids out there and they jam with rock stars and hang out and stuff.  Rock ‘N Roll Sleep Away Camp.  And how about opening a cemetery: Jews with Tattoos.  That’s a good moneymaker right there. 

 

B: That’s interesting.  That would be a good moneymaker.

 

J: Many of my Jewish friends have tattoos.  They can’t get buried.

 

That’s true.

B: Yeah, but they can get buried in a regular cemetery.

 

J: No they can’t.

 

B: They can get buried in a Catholic one or whatever.

 

J: They can’t get married in a Jewish one…I mean, get buried. Yeah.  But if they wanna get buried in a Jewish Cemetery…Jews With Tattoos.  That would be a moneymaker.

 

We could probably have another area for carnivorous Hindus.

J: And you know what else I wanna do?

What?

J: I always wanted to open a drive-up…

 

A drive-by shooting restaurant?

J: No, those movie places.

 

B: Oh, Drive-ins.

J: I wanna bring back the drive-in movie.  It would have all these cult-type flicks like Dolemite…

 

There you go!

J: …and all the Russ Meyer movies.  And you have to have like hot rods to get in.

 

There was actually a club in New York, about ten years ago, called Hot Rods.  It was indoors and they had all these pre-fab fifties cars set out that you could go and get served beer from, while watching videos of fifties and sixties movies.  It was so awesome!

J: Oh, you know what?  I’ve heard about that.  A drive-in would be so cool and having the little waitresses come to your little thing.

 

Let’s talk about movies ‘cuz, actually, that’s one of the things like… (Oh they’re in trouble now. – NIN)

B: Right.

 

No, no, no.  You don’t understand.  I love, like…when you mentioned Dolemite, that’s one of my favorite movies.  Another is Rudy Ray Moore: Avenging Disco Godfather.

B: Oh yeah.  That’s a great one. (I wouldn’t be surprised if the Blowtorch girls show up to Repojay’s next crazy movie night. – NIN)

 

Which is classic.  “Get off the angel dust!”  So, the first thing I thought when I heard “Hell On Wheels” was She-Devils on Wheels.

B: Great movie.  One of my favorites too.

 

J: I like when they’re draggin’ the guy and they’re all, “Ewwww… HAM-burger!”

 

Ohmigod.  It’s a classic movie.

B: It’s the best.  I can make a movie like that.

 

J: Yeah, you could.

 

B: I really could.

 

I’d love to do it.  It’d be great.  One thing that’s missing nowadays is that people don’t make movies like that anymore.  People are too consumed with the big Hollywood budget stuff, and if they go low budget it’s all about either Blair Witch or doin’ some Red Shoes Diaries crap.

J: The Betty Blowtorch Roller Derby Queen.

 

B: I erased it, but I used to make little homemade flicks and commercials at my house.  I would get together with friends and we’d make commercials like “Crust toothpaste,” and we’d black our teeth out.

 

Crust toothpaste?  That’s Wacky Packs.

B: Yeah.  Exactly.  We’d do Wacky Packs type commercials.  We’d spoof on everything.  I’m gonna try and give you that.  If I find it, I’ll send you a copy.

 

Oh, please do.

B: And I would do a takeoff on the Kalifornia movie.  Remember Kalifornia?

 

Yeah, the Brad Pitt one.

B: We did that one.

 

What was it called?

B: Well, we did it where she actually killed him.

 

Which is what you wanted to happen.

B: Exactly!  He’s all “Bitch, get me a chicken pot pie!”  We had like ketchup everywhere.  It was hysterical.

 

It’s like…um, which John Waters movie.  Female Trouble.  “How many times do I have to tell you not to play car wreck in the living room?”

B: John Waters rules—love his book.  The book was great.

 

Which one?  Bad Taste?

B:  The one where he comes to L.A.  Crackpot.

 

Oh, I haven’t read Crackpot.

B: It’s good.

 

Is it?

B: Yeah, and it’s really good ‘cuz it gives you some really useful information like, all guys that wear white shoes are assholes.  And it’s totally true.

 

J:  It’s true.  I work on Melrose.  It is true.

 

B: Every guy that came in with white shiny peepers on was a fuckin’ asshole, and I’m like, “every time.”  I won’t even help those guys with white shoes anymore.  I’m like, “Uh! You got white shoes.”

 

Everything I’ve ever heard out of John Waters’ mouth has been total gospel.  It’s so true.

B: And my friend, who’s a John Waters freak, read the book too.  He blew me off a few times and one day he came in the store - He’s in San Francisco - and he walked in with white shoes.  I’m all, “Look!” and he goes, “I wore ‘em just for you, ‘cuz I blew you off so many times.”  He said, “I’m an asshole.” And I’m like, “You ARE an asshole.”

 

Who has made the biggest fashion faux pas in Betty Blowtorch?  Who’s totally done something that’s way off base?

J: Probably me.  I know something, but if I say it, I’ll get in trouble.

 

Why?  I think you have to say it.

(Judy whispers it to Bianca)

B: Yeah, OK.

 

You would get in trouble?

J: Yeah, we’ll get killed.  You know what?  I’ll tell ya later—off the record.  I’ll just tell you this: plaid and stripes don’t go very well together.  Even I know that and I have to wear black all the time so I match. 

Even I fuckin’ know that.  On a big stage, no doubt.

 

B:  Shhhh…

 

J: Oh…ooh, ooh, ooh.  All bad. that was bad, bad bad.  Bad choice of dress.

 

B: Really bad.

 

All right, now we gotta get to some meaty questions.

J: OK, go for it.

 

On the road, obviously in all your songs, you guys are lookin’ for certain types of guys…

J: Strippers!

 

B: Yeah.

 

Specifically strippers.  That’s one of the things I was gonna ask.

B: We love strippers.

 

What is it about strippers?

J: We…Love…Strippers.  They got big tits.

 

B: And nice asses.

 

J: Especially…what’s her name?

B: I dunno.  Oh, my friend?

J: Oh, you know what?  We love M.J.  She is…all good.

 

B: My neighbor.

 

You lucked out.  The best happens to be your neighbor too?  Why do you even leave home?

J: I’m tellin’ you, man.

 

B: She comes over in little slippers.

 

J: Goddamn!

 

That is in every guy’s fantasy!

J: Y’know, we gotta get laptops on tour.

 

Lap dances on tour?

J: Yeah, laptops…lap dances…it’s all good.

 

B: It’s all about the rack.

 

J: Y’know what?  Chicks are hot. 

 

B: Chicks are hot.

 

J: Guys are hot, but Chicks are hot.

 

B: Chicks are hotter.

 

J: Chicks are hotter.  Guys are good…

 

B: There’s nothing like a stripper who’ll do a lap dance on you.  It just makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over.

 

J: It’s all good.

 

I have to tell you, that works about fifty percent of the time.  The other fifty percent of the time the stripper and the lap dance are so lame…you just can’t…

J: Perhaps you’re not going to the correct stripper.

 

Of course you’re not going to the correct stripper and then you have the wrong lap dance and you have to go find a better one.

B: Yeah, it’s bad.

 

Yeah, it’s very bad.

B: You had a bad one?

 

I had one, in Miami, who was trying to be a schoolteacher or was a part time schoolteacher augmenting her bills or that was just her whole fuckin’ story.  Who the hell knows?  And she spent the whole time during the lap dance talking to me about how much she loves kids.

J: Oh, bad!

 

Very bad.

B: That’s very bad.

 

And then when they give you the bad look ‘cuz you don’t tip them well?

B: It’s all bad.

 

J: Boy, that’s improper stripper etiquette.

 

B: You know what?  We were like mack mamas at this one strip club—spending so much money and just flat broke.  We were throwing it down.

 

J: Dude, we left with nothing.   I had to go to the ATM after that.

 

B: Y’know what?  They just wrangle that dough outta you—make you just wanna give it to ‘em.

 

Yup.  Y’know what?  That’s the thing – again, fifty percent of ‘em: Fantastic.  Fifty percent of ‘em: suck.  I remember my first L.A. strip club experience—the dancer on stage sucked.

B: Which one was it?

 

For part 3 of the interview click here

 

For more on the bad-ass bitches known as Betty Blowtorch visit www.bettyblowtorch.com